About a month ago, my grandma got really sick. As of now, she is in a hospital in Lakewood Ranch, FL completely sedated and hooked up to just about everything imagineable. The doctors keep telling us that she could recover, but I know in my heart that she probably will not. She has cancer and it is spreading, she has a feeding tube, she has pnuemonia, she has atrial fibulation (sp?), she is dieing. Her wishes are to be kept alive, so that is what they are doing. She is 89 years old and I am certain she is fighting as hard as she possibly can.
I spent last weekend down south with my mom and my Uncle Steve. We spent everyday with her.... at that point she was awake and talking. She got mad at us for taking her picture and was upset that strangers we seeing her without her hair combed. A day or two after we left, she started to go downhill. We stayed at her house while we were down there. Shared stories, smiled as we went through her drawers and found more plastic bags and receipts from things she purchased who knows how long ago. I was in her closet and I found my grandfathers hat. I immediately pictured him smiling with his hat on just the way I remember him. He died a little over 10 years ago. I told myself that if he were still alive, he would know just what to do to help grandma.
I am almost 30 years old. I wish that all those years had not gone by with me not appreciating the people in my family and how wonderful they are. See, my grandfather was an AMAZING man. He was a great man. WWII vet, engineer and the most amazing husband to my grandma in the entire world. I could only dream of finding a man who loved me as much as my grandpa loved my grandma. (no offense to my husband of course) And though I am so sad that she is going, I am so happy that she will be able to dance in his arms again. And that he will once again be able to watch her pick up sea shells and pat her on the butt as she walks by. And I am glad that she will be disgusted with him and fuss at him again. What a grand reunion they will have.... I just wish I could be there to see it. When he was alive, though, I did not understand these things about him. He was strict and watched boring TV and read boring books. And that is what I knew.
I am now at an age where the realization is that my family members are not going to be around forever. The should have, could have, would haves start happening along with the guilt. I wish I could explain this to my children, but I know that they would not understand and they won't until they are close to 30 years old. Daniel will remember my grandmother, but to him she is old and thats what happens to old people. To me though, I am getting old. My parents are getting old. My grandparents are getting old. Its getting a little scarey honestly.
So, my goal is to cherish my time with my kids and my family more. Forget about the housework and go spend the day with my grandma. They aren't going to be around forever and to be honest, I have taken that for granted. We are blessed with a few people who remain in our lives for years and years... family and a few really close friends. I need to learn how to appreciate that more. Its not going to be long before I am officially "old." Daniel says that is 50, so I have 20 more years. But my dad turns 50 this year, so Daniel gives him the "old" title now. My mom earned it a few years ago.
Damn getting "old."
No comments:
Post a Comment